I've come to the conclusion i was in denial, false representation of what was blinded me. I hope thats something that everyone can understand. If not, then maybe i have gone insane. I'm a new person now better, stronger, I've gained weight, and gotten out of the house alot more than i used too. I've put my self on a high Carb, and vitamin diet. I've also been working out alot. I looked at pictures of my self from months past and even to my self i can see a change in me. I havent felt this good since i was with "the third". I've recreated my self and im working toward what i feel deep inside is right for me put aside all the things i thought was not right for me. within the next few months i'll be back in college again im not letting nothing stop me from getting my degree again. I stopped last time in hopes to move to be with the first and took up the job to pay my way to be with "the third" only to be dumped. I wonder how many people out there has found them selves so much in love with someone that they actually changed everything in there life just to be with the one they where in love with. Well I did, and the thing is i dont regret a single bit of it id probly do it again if i had reasurance that it would follow threw and not leave me bearing the ax alone. I have a new calling in life now a new meaning. Its what most would call unorthodox, and for that reason im not going to speak fully about it yet within these journals. "The lady" i am with now is much like my self and encourages me, supports me, and believes in me. I've layed things on the line in hopes it will turn out ok. "The Sky" has shown again something i didnt expect. She was one for who also backed me a while back. I scorned her for something i didnt beleive in at the time. My curiosity lead me to where i am now and for that I understand it alot better now. This entry may be a bit confusing to some, heck sometimes when i go back and reread my own writing it confuses me to.