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skin.lab. - Masquerading the guilt

I missed you terribly and you're who I turned to as soon as I could. I want you everyday, I want you back for good; I can only grasp a little at a time but it's reassuring. How do I reassure you? What can I do to show you? I want to tell you everything but time doesn't permit. And I fucked up again, lack of foresight, poor impulse control, a strange optimism left me without the person i want to hold close to me. I'm 26 and don't know any better yet it seems. I now doubt I ever will. medatation, music, insight haven't altered the huge flaws in my perception. I still live in the moment, believing either that the future will be fine or it won't exist at all. Wavering between the two at the moment, tonight I'll either be rescued or drift out to deep seas without a lifejacket left to drown in my own hell. A hell that i have made for my self, just because i care, because i love, because i feel a loyalty to someone. someone who would rather me dissappear than to take the chance at trying to rebuild what once was, i still dont know what it is that i did. she says its not me but, if it isnt me why would she push me away? and here i sit waiting in a empty bar drinking my ice cold zima with a lime, hoping my angel will show up to take me away.