www.skintek.net - Skin Labs Inc. - Journal

Quite often, when I seem to be refering to one person, I'm actually refering to the collective, and vice versa. When I get nervous, i tend to put this fake face on and i cant help from giggling, I place my hands in my pockets, and I twist the ring on my left hand with my double jointed thumb. When I'm mad, i tend to look off into nothingness sometimes and try my best to put my self in another state of mind. The blank expression on my face and if you felt my chest it would be like a atom bomb ticking its way to the final second, always gives it away. When im happy i always have a smile on my face and the smallest things grabs my attention. Inside i feel like i can be read like a book, but it seems to me no one understands me or the way i see things. maybe its the fact i was brung up in an old fashioned way or maybe its because i was raised in the country. inside my head i feel i dont belong where i am. i feel i belong in a different place the city maybe with skyscrapers all around me or in any more populated area than what is here (North Carolina). Or maybe ive lived here so long that its just so normal it bores me. It's like I almost feel more peaceful and complete with the world directly around me if its in disarray. I want a challenge, i want to be able to look around n go wow look at that.. i never seen that before. I have blocked my heart out it doesnt matter anymore. im going to acheive what means the most to me, making a life for my self. bleh... fuck it who am i kiding whats the use of living if there is no one to live for.. might as well place my head in a 10 ton press break and smash it as if it was being minted by the treasury. Yeah i got family but hell lets face it only person in it i see everyday is my mother. My sweet (my neice) is only one close to me but i dont see her but once a month n she is only 9 years old. I got new pictures of my neice and nephew today. Amazing how fast kids grow up and get forced into becoming just like you and me and that other guy down the street. I want kids of my own one day, or to be able to adopt. Try to raise them better than i was. go to football games with them. Spend time with them doing kids stuff. Damn here i go again thinking of the past all over. The first look in a certain little guys eyes, then watchin him show me how fast he can run. Seeing a little of myself in him a little cavalier. Damnit.. fuck.. i cant write anymore tonight.. im sorry, journal.