Living in minnesota now, big change for me. Things are alot different than bak home. Where im from we call a soda a "drink" here they call it "pop" and call "liquor" a "drink". Every time i go into a store and say anything people look at me funny because of the way i talk. Guess thats what i get for being born southern by the grace of god. people up here are a lot snootier here almost like they are afraid that the next guy to them will stab them. Its almost a shame. i've never had that fear and im glad i dont in a way. But then again if i did have those feelings maybe i wouldnt keep setting my self up to get hurt all the time looking for someone that actually feels th same for me as i do them. yanno that perfect match. call it a soul mate if you want. The whole time durring the move i only had one person on my mind. That one person has kept me going. Last few weeks i rushed to get my connection to the interent back just to speak to her and spend a little time. One night i ended up sitting in my new bedroom n the only thoughts i had where of her. Kind of made me realize alot of things n how much she ment to me. I've known her for going on 2 years now. I thought alot about the past and how all the times before when we where together i was happy but i ended up making a jackass outta my self because i was too blind to see how much she cared for me.Weird how a mind can evolve to see things clearer with time. All those times i let her down n she still wanted to work things out and trust me ive been doing all i can to make it work this time. She was so happy to see me online and i felt the same about seeing her message me. The last few days have been a sort of catchup for time lost.. until today i made a web page trying to express how i felt but ether she dont feel anything for me anymore since i moved and been away for last two weeks or shes afraid of how i feel for her. I know i have mentioned quite a few ladies in these journals but i guess i was searching for someone who was there all along. Today i came on after an abrupt dissappearance by her last night. I sent her the adddress to the web page and i got no response about its contents. I felt like i put my foot in my mouth or had been casted aside. She asked my what i wanted her to understand i tried to explain, and all of a sudden she changes subject and tells me she wanted to be else where. I let her go, when all i wanted to do was embrase her n pull her close to me. i sat alone and minutes later i get the message of "Bye Brandon". I didnt know what to feel, anger? loss? or just that one feeling ive felt over and over again that seems to follow me. That chain reaction of "snap" im alone again. Yanno, that feeling of four nuckles being plumeted downward into your chest as you lay on the ground looking upward into the eyes of the thing you fear the most and want to just .. fight it. Humphhh.. all i could do was lay there blank for an expression and accept the beating i deserved. guess it was my pay back for things I've done in the past. I'm beginning to feel as if everything that happens to me ..is because in a way im suppose to feel it. consume it and take every ounce and bottle it up inside. I hear of men beating there wives and down sizing them and they over time feel like its the only thing and they stay there. i guess im reaching that point where ive been dumped, cheated on, and handed my own heart back on a platter that i feel like i should just give up and stick to being by my self and not even try anymore to grasp that one thing that i want more than anything.. i think i should just ignore the fact of its exsistance.