Seems the days tend to get harder you look around and feel your life passing you by. you contantly looking at a clock wondering if your late or if you have to be somewhere. I've gotten to the point i dont wear a watch anymore. Mainly because i hate knowing that time is always against me. always moving forward but never stopping to allow a person to make right the things that where done wrong in the past. That old saying "you only live life once" is much more true than anyone realizes when they hear it for the first time as a child. you get a bit older and begin to wonder what will you do with the rest of your life not ever knowing when your last day alive will be. When i look back and actually think of the things I have done i miss it. Wether it was swimming in Woodrows pond or seeing my neice for the first time and seeing my self in her eyes. When i was younger i hated family gatherings hated to compare my self to those who raised me. But time goes on and you begin to see how much like them you really are and when one is on the brink of death like my grandfather is, it makes me want to spend time with him and learn everything about him i never knew. My grand parents on my dad's side i never really knew them they both died before i was 5 years old. my step grandfather was the only grandparent i knew on that side and he passed on before i turned 9 years old. the only things i really know about my actuall grand parents on my dads side was things that where told to me. From what i know my real grandfather on my dads side abandoned my dad and aunt and my grand mother. I am glad my dad never did that to me, even though there has been times in my life where me and him didnt get along well. My mom has always been there even when i didnt want her to be back then i saw it as her being nosey, as if she just wanted to run my life.. but the more i think about it the more i realize she was just trying to be there and trying to keep me safe i guess. I am on my own now making my own decisions on what to do with my life and i still keep getting this feeling its passing me by. Its because i feel there is much more to do before my time is up or at least there is much more i want to experience. like hold in my arms a child that is mine, and teach him/her. and have someone beside me that feels the same as i do. Some times it makes me sick to my stomach to walk in a mall and see couples. I meet a girl today that i never knew beforeshe thought she knew me but it was only a case of mistaken identity. Wel we talked for a while and she had read my journals here and was a bit on my wave length i guess. we chatted for a good hour or so i did my best to explain some things and inturn she gave me a new perspective on things wether she knows she did or not. Yes, me a bundle of perpetual confusion as always i guess. I layed things on the line and finally got honest answers for the first time in a long while none of the beating around the bush and making me more confused as alot of people tend to do too not hurt any feelings. Hell, tell me straight up.. i take the shit better. Don't lie to me because you think i wont take it well yanno. I bought the new CD by Staind the other day, I found my self putting that song "Its been awhile" on repeat and playing it over and over again. Every line in that song makes me think back at things. Makes me wonder how that fucker got into my head to write that fucking song...... damn fucking candles