www.skintek.net - Skin Labs Inc. - Journal

I just can't seem to control my emotions, no matter how much I understand them and their causes. I can intellectualize, study, analyze to a fine point, but still not change my behavior. Logic is no help. I have such a degree of understanding that part of me watches my reactions and explains them perfectly even while I fall apart. But so far I still can't control myself. All is irrelevant, all is secondary to the churning, billowing stem of true love i feel. A new organ, a seething growth sending dull, achy, prodding fingers through my gut as it tries to expand. It forces me to knot up my face with silent screams and burning tears, then abates to leave me trembling and shattered. Strangely, there is room for flashes of elation, of laughter, in the range of emotion. All is allowed except serenity, all feelings can be experienced as long as they are raw, primal torrents. It's an alien consciousness, taking away all of myself to replace me with a fountain of negative and positive extremes, blanketed with angst. I'm someone else, someone who produces nothing but sickness. The best I can be is bored and tired, spent after spewing for hours, days, weeks at a time. Hoping that by surrendering it'll grow monotonous, yet it never is because that's not what it's about. It must constantly generate more emotion, more extremes - a perpetual machine, an eternal flame. I just want to feel Love again, and noth is perpetual pushing me away even when my angel says she loves me.