www.skintek.net - Skin Labs Inc. - Journal

I have noticed my life pass by me with many regrets, if anything i would have to say my life is a song yet to be heard. I guess this is why i write these journals. i hope there is no one out there that has gone threw the things i have but if there is i hope those who have, and who has read these will know there not the only ones. Im a simple guy who fell deep and feel hard for a woman, in my own mind she was "the one". Maybe i put her too high on a pedastool that she was afraid to fall, or maybe i was trying to hard to make things workout. I think ive learned a major lesson, maybe the one im not suppose to learn but i believe its the one thing that will save me in the next, just build a shell and tell everyone to fuck off. Another slap in the face, another word spoken that i grit my teeth til if i pressed any harder they would snap and leave nothing but bloody drips coming from my mouth. I sit here with a broken keyboard and my spare mouse. Ive never raised a hand to any woman out of anger, i know ive said things that i wish i hadnt said in the act of anger though. The thing is when things happen that to me is wrong, my brain snaps and all i want to do is scream to the heavens and curse the names of those who promised they would never hurt me. I question religion i wont deny that. I beleive there is something higher, but at times i feel it has abandoned those who are its children. I dont go to church anymore, i havent since i was 13. at the time and as of now i still do think the churches are a waste, if it was a higher being/ a God if you must say up there. why worship its presence in a building built by man's hands? They should be out under the trees and in the light that was provided for them. i went into one of those religion chat rooms and discussed the matter with a guy who did nothing but preach in the room. all he could tell me was that sometimes a person needs to hear things from another person. I think thats bull shit.....If a persons faith was so strong he wouldnt need no other man to tell him what he needed to know. I think im more a realist than a believer , even though i find my self talking to something as if i will get a response, but the only response i get are from the voices in the back of my head... my own self contiousness. How many times before has it been wrong? 1.. 2.. 3.. hell you loose count after a billion. i guess in some way people need something to beleive in. I find my self repeatedly putting mine into things i can touch, feel, see, and smell, yet man is so flawed by its primitive side, that what is right in front of him/her... that is there everyday is distorted, delusioned, after a while. The truth becomes lies and the lies become the truth. Its been days now and no word from "the first" im starting to think she changed her mind about meeting me. i guess its just how life goes, whenever you want something to happen it doesnt..... The comet in the sky..i went to see her, i tried not to let thoughts of "the third,(my former angel)" pass into my thoughts but right when i least expected..she did. I withdrew my self from what was around me and i think i hurt her feelings even though she said she understood. A week has gone by now and i have only come on to check my e-mail and such. I find that there is no reason for me to be online. I've been transfering these journals to pages so that you all can read them though.